I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
