i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I think i got beer on your cat.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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