i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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