I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
