can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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