He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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