I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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