I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
