I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
