I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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