why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
