Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
