Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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