If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
