Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
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I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
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How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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