tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
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We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
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Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
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