The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
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I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize