Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
