Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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