Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize