I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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