I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We have started to decorate penises.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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