She went from zero to smokin in five shots
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Houston, we have a blender
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
