you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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