I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
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Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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