My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
