Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
