I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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