Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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