I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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