I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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