Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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