A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
