They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
