woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
