I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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