my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
