I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
