the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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