You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
