Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
