Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I want her autograph on my taint
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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