i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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