He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
