He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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