i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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