I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
