I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
