you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
