come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
