I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
