I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
