she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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