upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
