life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
