Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
