I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
